Richard Littlejohn blats on

He sits alone in a booth next to the window in his local Florida branch of International House of Pancakes, napkin tucked into his collar, cutlery clutched in his sticky fists.  A pink dribble of jammy spit runs down the centre of his chin as he rocks back and forward in his seat.  A waitress's smile disappears as she passes his table, giving it a wide berth to avoid the splats of half-chewed batter on the floor.



Smellyface: Wuuurgh!  Curzhurnt mayk id app!  November the fifth innit!  Elf 'n'safety!  Gone mad!  I said it's gone mad!  Got bonfires on screen now.  Bonfires.  On a screen and that.  Cos of 'elf n safety'!  Can't have a real one!  You'll get arrested for 'elf n safety!  No fireworks!  You'll get arrested!  Bloke said, must be true!  This bloke, right, he said.  Hell in an 'andcart! You can't even have fireworks!  FIREWORK night is COMING and you can't 'ave a fire.  Polar BEARS!  Polar BEARS!  Mind how you...polar BEARS!  *Ack*...

He clears his throat and the blockage skids onto the table in front of him.  A half eaten strawberry now sits in a comet-tail of cream next to his empty coffe cup.  The waitress looks over her shoulder away from the family she's been serving, concernerned at the choking noise.  She notices the empty coffee cup and her shoulders slump.  She looks back at the family and whispers:

Waitress:  I think something really bad must have happened to him around this time of year in England.  Every November he sits there babbling about fires and arrests and big screens.  I think he might have been attacked by a polar bear.  Poor guy.

She trudges over to the barking man to try to get him to tell her whether he wants more coffee, ready to dodge flying cream and jam on the sibilants.

I can't be bothered to do a proper post about this today, and I was beaten to it by Angry Mob in any case.  Littlejohn is back and talking about the same things he always does around November the 5th, mentioning the virtual bonfire I posted about him moaning about in 2007 and again in 2009.  This year he's decided to throw in another unsubstantiated one-sided story from his postbag without bothering even to consider that there might be another side he's not aware of yet.

Check out Angry Mob for more on Littlejohn's recycling this year.  He does it more justice than me.

If you want cheering up, here's a video to fit in with the picture illustrating the IHoP theme I've been pushing in connection with Littlejohn for some reason.