It's a tough job

The things I put myself through for this blog.

That there on the left is a picture of my copy of Richard Littlejohn's novel 'To Hell in a Handcart', which I am assured becomes more complex than Tolstoy after 200 pages.  I am wading through this so I can save you the bother.  I'm just past page 200, and it's not Tolstoy yet.

Things I have thus far learned:

Liberals are gay (or have gay offspring/ex-spouses).
Communist plotters read the Guardian.
Romanians and Gypsies are theiving criminals.  Greeks are alright because they open restaurants.
Littlejohn was especially interested in homosexuals and gay jokes in 2001.
If you're a writer and you want to have a dig at someone you don't like, you can always include a bad character with a similar name (e.g. the 'chief pikey' is called Seamus Milne).
Lawyers can always get someone off on a technicality if they feel like it.  Every time.
They do this a lot.
If you're proud of a not-very-subtle joke or point you think might be too subtle for your readers, have one of your characters explain it in full.
This makes jokes much better.
Littlejohn might actually think his readers are cretins.

That's just a taster for now.  I'll post a full review when I finish the book.


Mephitis said...

I appreciate your great sacrifice and hope that not too many of your brain cells commit suicide in the course of reading it.

Dazzla said...

Please say you didn't buy it brand new?

Five Chinese Crackers said...


I hope my brain cells are alright. I read an article in the Star the other day, so I can't afford to get any stupider.


I don't think you can even get it brand new! I got it from Amazon for a penny.

Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

You have my deepest sympathies sir.

Liz Church said...


Please do be careful.

robert said...

Is it Booker Prize winning material?

Five Chinese Crackers said...

No, but it's Oh My God I Wish I'd Never Read This, How Am I Gonna Fit All This Wrong Into Just One Post Prize winner.

Jamie said...

I feel like you've taken a bullet for me.

Not that I intended to read this loonbasket's mad ramblings.

Five Chinese Crackers said...

A bullet from the gun of a salt of the earth ex copper who gets sent daaahn when it's only bladdy self defence. Yoocoodernmaykidapp!

ACG said...

dammit littlejohn, you broke 5cc!
now what are we going to do?

the_voice_of_reason said...

Aye...because as the families of Harry Stanley, Jean Charles de Menezes, Ian Tomlinson, Stephen Waldorf and others will tell you, the legal system comes down very hard on police misconduct, and plod is notorious for not looking after his own even after they've left the force.

Five Chinese Crackers said...

Hey, I'm not broken! I'm struggling with this review because there is so much wrong with the book it's difficult to know what to leave out and how to lay it all out.

It should be ready tomorrow.