Boris and going off on a tangent

Actually, this isn't really much of a tangent from banging on about lying tabloids like a nutter on a bus, which is Five Chinese Crackers' reason for existence. The number of anti-Livingstone messages that scream out at me from Evening Boris Standard kiosks every day kind of drags the issue of who should be Mayor of London into the area of tabloid arsery*, so I can have a look at the issue briefly here. If you don't like it, get off. It's my bloody rant and I'll shout about whatever I like as I stagger into the side of your seat and slosh Kestrel Super out of the top of my can.

I checked out 'This is London' - the Evening Standard website after seeing a kiosk advertising the fact that Boris was booed at hustings this lunchtime. Wouldn't you know it - the actual article about the event manages to say:

But by the end of the two-hour event at the Methodist Central Hall in Westminster the jeers had turned to cheers as he won round much of the audience.

Well, knock me down with a feather! It was positive after all!

Apparently, the race is quite close. I fail to see how that could be, since every time I've actually seen the man asked about his policies, he looks like a bumbling halfwit who has no idea what he's on about. Take Newsnight the other night, or his earlier interview with Andrew Marr, or - well anywhere really. He just blusters a bit, says something vaguely popular, blusters a bit more, talks over interviewers and repeats his vaguely populist point, inserting extra bits of ramble instead of answering questions on specifics that he really doesn't know the answer to until he gets to the end. It's like watching an A Level English student who hasn't actually read the book get asked a question by teacher.

It goes like this:

Paxler: What do you think is the most important issue facing Londoners?

Boris: Well I think that people are concerned about transport and crime wurglemumble top priority will be to wurgle sure people are responsible themselves for feeling safe on buses and tubes and ...

Paxler: Isn't that...

Boris: ....Wurrgh allow people to feel responsible for that safety and reallytaketheresponsibilityforthemselves and I'm really concerned - this is my top priority ...

Paxler: ...Just passing the buck to....

Boris: ...Hnnng give every tube and bus passenger - every tube passenger and everyone who goes on a bus a blunderbuss...

Paxler: Blunderbuss?!

Boris: ...Make thugs and vandals think twice about low level graffitti and intimidating...

Paxler: You want to give people a blunderbuss?!

Boris: ...behaviour, uh, what? Yes, really make Londoners feel safe hrrrt hand out blunderbusses top priority for Londoners - 'Blunderbuss on the Clapham omnibus' you could call it, ho ho! Goodonemumblehurr hurr...

Paxler: Surely that'll make things more violent! Not...

Boris: What? No, no, no no you see, ah, no that's where, that's where you have it errr ... you dont have to load it with shot you see...

Paxler: So you want people to be able to shoot other passengers but not...

Boris: You could load it with, and I've checked into this, you don't have to use shot in a blunderbuss, you can...

Paxler: ...with shot? What in God's name...

Boris: Top priority - Londoners - safety is really important to Londoners. And I really don't want to be drawn from this point - it doesn't have to be violent, people can load their blunderbuss with Fairy Liquid for example ...

Paxler: Load blunderbusses with Fairy Liquid?! How much does a blunderbuss even cost? Who provides the Fairy Liquid?

Boris: ...Fairy hnnnt Liquid or Maltesers...

Paxler: How much does a blunderbuss cost?

Boris: ...You could have Fairy Maltesers, top priority for Londoners wurgle feel safe. Really top priority Fairy Liquid and andandand and Maltesers or ororor you could simply - you could simply load it with...

Paxler: How much does a blunderbuss cost?

Boris: ...fat man's poo.

Then I'd be on the way home and see a Standard kiosk shouting 'Boris Blunderbuss Omnibus triumph' instead of 'Clueless oaf rambles on about stuff he hasn't thought through'.

Still, I would actually vote for any candidate who did promise me I could shoot kids who listen to their phones playing tinny music out loud on the bus in the face with fat man's poo.

Maybe that makes me a hypocrite.

*Arsery is like archery, but with more bums.