Oh my god, what have you done to my eyes?!

I think I want to sue the Sun. 'See the real deputy dogs' has burned my retinas with its sheer, unadulterated fucking shitness. Don't get me wrong, a dog in a hat is a sight to behold, but:
  • At least go to the trouble of actually putting the dog in a hat to start with.
  • Don't call the story 'something something something dogs' when some of the animals are cats. Cats are different to dogs. That's why they have different names.
  • Don't pretend that a website with badly photoshopped animals in American uniforms is worthy of being put in the news section. It's not. It's rubbish.
  • Dogs and cats in uniform will not make any women 'berzerk with joy'. Unless they're in a home.
  • "For those who have spent years imagining what their cat might look like in the navy, it's a dream come true." No it isn't. Being given immediate treatment to make them better would be a dream come true.
  • For the love of god, cats and dogs don't have shoudlers and arms, you bunch of fucking halfwits.
  • The above pics don't show what it would look like if pets had jobs. There already are dogs in the army and navy and that have been into space. They don't wear the fucking uniforms, you buffoons. Because they're dogs.
  • And I'll tell you what it would look like if pets really did have people's jobs. It would look like fucking mayhem. They haven't got opposable thumbs, they can't even speak and they lick their own bums! Alright - not that different from the Sun's imagined audience, but still. Not going to get your trains driven, your post delivered or your call centre enquiries answered, is it?

You: Hello, I need ambulances, fire engines and police - a plane's just crashed because the pilot was a fucking cat!
Emergency services: NUMNUMNUMNUM!
You: It's mayhem here, there are bodies everywhere and a Yorkshire Terrier's trying to direct traffic! HIs hat's over his eyes! We need help right away!
Emergency services: Rowf! NUMNUMNUM!

You: Are you licking your bollocks?
This is just nothing but a great big heap of wrong. It takes the Sun's habit of photoshopping what things would look like if they were different to the most extreme level it ever could, ever. Beyond 'here's a picture of a soldier with a grinning Prince William pasted over his face because you're too much of a halfwit to figure it out yourself' levels by miles. Here's what the story should have said:
Animals would look weird wearing people clothes, because they're not people and they don't normally wear clothes.

If you've ever wondered about this, there might be a website for you, if you are:

Too stupid to imagine it

Easily impressed

A cunt
Seriously, this is the world's biggest selling English language newspaper.

I'm going to top myself.

1 comment:

Hel said...

"For those who have spent years imagining what their cat might look like in the navy, it's a dream come true."
You mean there are actually people out there who have spent years imagining what their cat might look like in the navy?! They must have been very bored to have done that.