Super soaraway ARSEPAPER!

I don't usually stray into the pages of the Sun. The Mail, yes. I fuckin' 'ates the buggers, remember? That's because they're nasty. The Sun on the other hand is just, well, shit. Attacking the Sun feels like taking the piss out of people with learning difficulties. (Plus, it has jubblies in it). Today, however, I'm going to do it. Not take the piss out of the mentally challenged, but . . . you know.

Today's headline is 'UP YOURS' and on their website they have 'England expects flags'. It's rubbish on so many levels. 

What I said about the 'controversy' around flying the flag in my last post counts double for this crappy article. And I hate the shouty website and the way it gives each sentence its own little paragraph to make it easily digestible for the barely literate. From the article:

And nothing gets small-minded killjoys on their high horses quite like signs of national pride.

The sight of English flags proudly fluttering all around the country ahead of this month’s World Cup has got the petty jobsworths up in arms.

They brand anyone who dares to show their love for our country as racist — and sneer at anyone who takes pride in being English.

We have news for them. Patriotism is NOT a dirty word.

Who are these petty jobsworths who brand people as racist and think patriotism is a dirty word? They're the people I spoke about in my last post. The ones who never called anyone racist. Or said anything about patriotism. Plus one new one:

Killjoys at cable giant NTL are among the latest party-poopers — ordering van drivers and subcontractors to tear down their flags in case they offend Muslims.

One shocked driver said: “If we’re seen with any flags on our vans we’ll be given a written warning.”

The company insisted: “We work in many multicultural areas and in different countries within Britain so we want to maintain a professional image and a sense of impartiality.”

Now, where did the people at NTL say van drivers and contractors should tear down their flags because they might offend Muslims? You'll notice that bit's not in the quote from the company - which is probably because it's made up. If anyone at NTL had actually said that, why didn't the Sun quote it directly?

It was a driver who said they'd get a written warning, and not the company itself, which means the driver could have it wrong. He might not, but journalists are supposed to do this crazy thing called 'fact checking' to find out. There is a big difference between the company saying, "we'd rather you didn't display England flags," and "you'll be punished if you display an England flag." So you'd think a reporter might ask the people who make the rules if they'd made this one.

The other thing is that NTL have said they want to remain impartial about football and don't want to look like the company supports one specific team. You can disagree with their line all you like, but it's got precisely sod all to do with racism or offending Muslims.

Next:

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS at Heathrow’s Terminal 5. Bosses claim St George crosses pose a health and safety risk — because the flags might get caught in the wind and fly on to a runway.

No, bosses claim big, flappy bits of material pose a health and safety risk, you twat.

CABBIES in Cheltenham, Gloucs, who have been threatened with having licences revoked. The council claims flags are dangerous since they could fall off — a view now backed by Hampshire Police.

No, Cheltenham council say it's a safety issue because not having flags help people differentiate between genuine cabbies and unlicensed ones. Disagree with that as much as you like, but don't just make shit up. And check out the clumsy way the two organisations are squashed together to create a fake impression of a connection.

They want a blitz on drivers flying “unsafe” flags, claiming they could frighten horses and strike pedestrians.

Do they? A 'blitz'? Saying that drivers whose flags fly off and hit people will be prosecuted counts as 'a blitz' does it? Presumably every police force in the country want a blitz on people having hands. You know, because if they punch someone in the face they'll be prosecuted.

FIREMEN in Barking, East London — barred from hoisting the flag at their station. The ruling was imposed despite Barking Mosque Secretary Ashfaq Siddique declaring: “We’re not offended — it’s a national flag!”

They were stopped (if they actually were - all we know is that 'a spokesman' said they were discussing the issue with the Station) because they're not allowed to fly flags without permission. Not because of Muslims. The opinion of the local Mosque has bugger all to do with anything.

TESCO also got in on the act by banning its lorry drivers from flying the flag — although the supermarket giant later backtracked. Yesterday Massoud Shadjareh, leader of the Islamic Human Rights Commission, claimed English or British flags still conjure images of racism and the British National Party.

What has the leader of the Islamic Human Rights Commission got to do with Tesco making their original decision days before the guy said anything? Fuck all, that's what. Mentioning the two in the same paragraph is just a cynical ploy by whoever bashed out this piece of rubbish with their fists to connect actual flag bans (for whatever reason) with Muslims.

That's where this article begins to look a bit nasty, rather than just boneheaded. Some of the bans here are incorrectly connected to Muslims - no, scratch that - every isntance where some connection between a specific ban and Muslims is made, it's most likely a false one. That doesn't exactly create a nice impression of Muslims, does it? Even if the article says, 'Most of the country’s Muslims are happy to get behind the flag — although there are some who never will.' Yeah, and I'm not racist, but . . .

This article has the opposite effect on me to the one it intends. Instead of making me want to display a flag in defiance of small minded lefties and Muslims, it makes me not want to display one, in case people think I really believe I'm doing it in defiance of small minded lefties and Muslims. And I do wear St George Cross t-shirts and stuff during big tournaments like the World Cup. The only thing that would discourage me is not that I believe people would think I'm racist, but that people would think I'm the sort of cretin that believes this clumsy pretend conspiracy theory - the sort of person that thinks that joining in with everyone else is actually an act of rebellion.

If you give a million monkeys a million typewriters and an infinite amount of time, they'd eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare by fluke. If you gave one monkey a crayon and a bit of paper he'd come out with a better article than this. Even if it came out spattered with monkey cack.

You must obey. No no, just you - not you.

I started this blog by talking about the Shabina Begum case earlier this year. Remember Shabina Begum? She had tried to make her school allow her to attend wearing a jilbab, and the press didn't like it. Remeber their arguments? You know, ones like - the school has a uniform and rules and if Begum doesn't like it, she can bugger off to another school? If the school starts allowing pupils to break the uniform rules, there'd be chaos? The sky will fall on our heads?

You'd think this means the press takes a hard line about people following rules laid down for them by authority. Anyone opposing rules about uniforms and such can just nick off, right? But wait!

Cabbies banned from wearing Three Lions, Council bans patriotic drivers from flying the flag, Tesco U-turn over England flag ban, School relaxes England flag ban, England flag ban fury

It seems they don't mind when people want to break their school or company's rules on uniforms after all! It must have all been just one big mistake!

It's not just the rank hypocrisy that's so annoying - it's the invention of an evil PC conspiracy against displaying the English flag out of unrelated cases. It's also that people will unquestioningly believe this arsery.* Think about it. Only two of the places in any of these stories prohibited displaying the flag specifically because it was the English flag - and both of those relented.

Of the rest, we have one council (out of 70-odd) that prohibits its licensed cabbies from displaying any sort of football memorabilia and one that only mentions the crappy plastic things you stick to the door; we have one police force (out of 29) specifically mentioning the same crappy plastic door attachments; we have the BAA saying construction workers at Terminal 5 can't fly flags because they might fly off and, you know, kill people; and we have one Fire Station told off for flying a flag without the commissioner's permission.

Talking of the Fire Station, the Sun story is well dodgy.

The opening sentences misleadingly mention 'Firemen' and the only clue we get that the story is only relevant to the Barking station is halfway through. Then we get this:

London Fire Brigade confirmed staff needed permission from the commissioner to hoist flags.

A spokesman said: “We are addressing this issue locally with the station.”

So, the actual story is that somebody has claimed that Barking Fire Station has been told not to fly an England flag, and that the London Fire Brigade have said Fire Stations need permission before thay can fly a flag. What a non-story that is. Also, notice the second paragraph:

Stunned crews were told the Cross of St George could offend ethnic minorities.

Firstly, who told the 'stunned crews'? Was it someone in charge, a member of the public, or someone somebody made up? If it was a real person, why aren't they mentioned? If it was a member of the public, thier comment's irrelevant. It's unlikely that it was the 'spokesman' quoted at the end, or it'd have been attributed to him. It couldn't have been the journalist themselves, could it? Surely not.

(Also, notice how the local Mosque is used as an illustration of whether or not ethnic minorities would be offended. Presumably, the Sun thought the Mohammed cartoons were racist as Muslims count as an ethnic minority now. Ooh, brainaches!)

This whole 'flag ban' thing is such confected nonsense. The papers find two - that number again in case you have trouble putting such a large number into perspective - two - places in the whole country where flags are prohibited explicitly because they're the English flag (I'm being generous here - the Mail article says Tesco had prohibited 'football flags'), and even those relented. So we're left with a grand total of no places banning the flag because it's English. That number again - none. From this, I'm going to have to face another summer of sitting in pubs listening to some goon mouthing off about how we're not even allowed to display our own flag while he's wearing an England shirt, I'm wearing an England shirt, every other fucker in the place is wearing an England shirt, the bar is strung with hundreds of little England flags, England flags are flying from windows all up the street and every other car driving past has the crappy plastic things sticking out of their doors.

Don't believe me? Some comments from Tesco U-turn over flag ban:

When are the British people going to wake up and stop these PC nobodys [sic] telling us we cannot be proud of our country and flag, do you think this would happen anywhere else in the world?

- R.Allen, Prenton Merseyside

How dare anyone say that we can not display our flag, our flag should fly (with pride)on all main government building [sic], surely one of the troubles with our country is no pride in itself [sic].

- J.M.Hixon, Rayleigh. Essex

It appears that in recent tmes, one can support any country without question unless it is England. Is this a form of racial prejudice by certain persons and organisations.

- Mayberry Jones, East London, UK

see that the anti-British machine is getting more powerful by the day. One does wonder whether either the French or the Americans are forced to endure such self-loathing anxieties as we UK patriots?

- Darren Marsh, Sutton, Surrey

Pathetic! England must be the only country in the world where flying the national flag is banned in case we upset - well, who? If anyone in our country is upset by the flag, they should not be there!

- Peter Smith, Montreal, Canada [Ah - the wonderful smell of irony]

Etcetera, etcetera. These sheep are so easy to lead.

*Like archery, but with more bums.